Journal

Goodbye Worth, Hello ..?

As I write this, I am feeling a strange kind of gratitude to my word of 2019. Worth is a weighty word. One that scared me a little when I chose it because unlike my word of 2018, I knew it was the right one straight away. I did not journal or scrapbook this year or complete any of the monthly prompts from the course but despite this, I actually feel like this word has served me more than any I have chosen before; I have had this word at the forefront of my mind at different key moments throughout the year, helping me with significant decisions. Contemplating one’s worth is a vulnerable act so it is not something I have really talked about or written about. But it’s been on my mind a lot.

The idea of my ‘worth’ and how I assess it is a hefty idea to wrangle. To start with, it pulled and bucked against my attempts to tame it like a wild horse. By then end of the year, though, I feel like I am able to take some tentative steps with it and not come away feeling bruised or defeated. I see this as progress. Progress not perfection is what I am aiming for generally so I am satisfied with this.

Changing my job has definitely had something to do with this shift; my new perspective has allowed me to appreciate my strengths in a way that I just could not do before. I am still acutely aware of my weaknesses too but I am trying to maintain a more balanced outlook. So far, it’s going ok.

There is still more work to do but it is time to move on to another word. I haven’t chosen it yet. I have a few ideas but I need more time to decide what I want to aim for. For me, having aspirations is an act of vulnerability: it means articulating what I want most in 2020 and I am not sure I am ready to do that.

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