Journal

My List of 20 in 2020

My list of 19 things for 2019 was a total success. I allowed it to be a success by changing up some of the items on the list. I didn’t see the point of ignoring all the things that I had managed to achieve just so that I could stick doggedly to (and fail at) a list of my own making.

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Journal

Finishing up my 19 for 2019

I did two things I haven’t done before with regard to my yearly list of goals: a) I changed some of the goals mid-year to align with things that became more important to me as the year went one (in the past, I have doggedly stuck to my original list); and b) I completed my entire list.

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Journal

What next.

At some point last school year – I can’t pinpoint it exactly – I decided that I had to make a change to my working life as it was not sustainable as it was. It had been a tough year for a lot of reasons, not all of them to do with my job. Once I had made up my mind, I knew I wanted to give a decent amount of notice to my school and once the word got around, the same question was put to me over and over: ‘What next?’

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Journal

Back to Work

I can hardly believe it but this is the last week of term which means I have been back at work now for a whole half term (that sounds like an oxymoron!). It has FLOWN by. Working two days a week is splendid in a lot of ways: the working week is over before you know it; the preparation time is much reduced; I have a lot less marking. And even though I am not there every day, I still get the benefits of work including time with my wonderful colleagues, time in the classroom with the kids, a bit of money and a break away from being Mama Kate by being Mrs B instead.

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Journal, Mama

Mama vs Teacher

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When I was preparing to leave to go on maternity leave just before Christmas, I had a lot of teaching colleagues make a lot of envious noises about how lucky I was to go for my ‘year off’. If I were doing any other job, I would have been incensed by the implication that having a baby – and maternity leave in general – is a doddle, a break, a holiday.  However, as a teacher, I found it hard to get annoyed.

I am now 7 weeks into being a mum for the second time and even with the night feeds and the long cluster feeding evening sessions that seem to last forever, I can still say that I am less tired and more emotionally balanced than I was when I was teaching. Instead of being constantly aware of all the ways I am failing (as a teacher, this is something I was always feeling), I feel like a success. I have a thriving baby that is proof of my success – he is still alive! He is smiling! He is feeding! He is sleeping (sometimes)! I did that. And people are telling me all the time what a great job I’m doing, how well I am looking, how brilliant I am at being a mum. Compared to how I feel as a teacher, my confidence is through the roof. My oh my, the power of positive feedback! Fancy that!

It has left me to reflect on how I was feeling as I stepped out of the classroom: relieved for the ‘break’, disillusioned, lacking confidence in my ability to teach and unvalued. Despite having a fantastic team around me – my department are just superb – I constantly felt like I was falling short of expectations.

However.

Now I am at home, spending large amounts of time sitting and thinking (breastfeeding is special but tedious too), I am feeling energised to get back into the classroom. I want to use the time I have to get on top of the new course content and exam specs. I want to take back some control by going back over the theories of teaching that were explored during my training (but then largely pushed out of mind in the whirr of the real-life teaching environment). I want to stop feeling like a failure and remember I have the ability to succeed.

I just have to get past Nicky Morgan’s speech which is still reverberating around my skull.

Journal, Mama

An End and a Beginning

   

Today was my last day at work before starting my maternity leave. It was a teacher training day which was actually pretty useful with a particularly uplifting and interesting session with our behaviour consultant Victor Allen who is a complete legend. He has such a calming presence and he also reminds us that above all, it’s kindness that these kids need.  I also had a chance to hand over my classes to the supply teacher who will be taking my classes, at least to start with. I was of course elated to be finishing work for a year especially because it means my baby is coming and I really am very excited to meet him. 

But I also left with a strange sadness: I was leaving behind this place which was my place of belonging. I was giving up my classroom. I was leaving my friends. I was leaving a part of my identity which I didn’t even realise I valued like I apparently do. So this is an end (for now).

But it is also a beginning. The beginning of our next adventure as a family. I can’t wait.

Journal

Word for 2015

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Last year’s word was Positive. I think I maintained that for the most part with some notable lapses. This year, I had to think hard about what my focus should be. I settled on ‘Protect’ because my biggest focus (mainly) at work is to protect myself better. To protect my feelings better. I open myself up way too much and it makes me vulnerable. Unfortunately, I think it is also one of my strengths as a teacher – the ability to be candid with students about who I am and how I am feeling. I don’t want to care less about the kids but I do want to protect myself better so I don’t get so hurt and frustrated at their apathy, callousness or indifference. I think I thought by this stage in my life, my skin would have thickened a bit. I really thought I would out-grow my sensitive nature. Maybe next year I will crack it.

Journal

In Summer

believeTerm has ended and if we weren’t about to move out of our house and be homeless for 4 months, I’d be so excessively chill right now but as it is we have a LOT to do before Friday morning. It’s a strange feeling to be moving without our house being ready (built!) and because of this, it doesn’t feel completely real. Come Friday afternoon, I will finally be able to relish the fact that I have completed my NQT teaching year successfully and have 5 weeks of summer holiday left to do the many, many things I want to do.

 

Simple Life

Happy

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I don’t generally think of myself as an unhappy person. I have a wonderful family, a great (if demanding) job and a lot of superb friends. Yet I was still intrigued by the #100HappyDays challenge that I had heard of – a colleague was doing it in order to focus on the positive things about our job as she was feeling somewhat disillusioned beneath the weight of the administrative duties of her new middle-manager role. The #100HappyDays website answered the question ‘why would I try’ by saying that people who have successfully completed the challenge claim to:

– Start noticing what makes them happy every day;
– Be in a better mood every day;
– Start receiving more compliments from other people;
– Realize how lucky they are to have the life they have;
– Become more optimistic;
– Fall in love during the challenge.

I am far too new at this teaching lark to be disillusioned but I already know the constant feeling of not being quite good enough, not being quite on top of things and the constant fear of letting the kids down. At the beginning of the year, I chose ‘positive’ to be my word for 2014 and right now, deep into the Spring Term with the clock ticking on my underachieving year 11s, I am struggling to keep that word at the forefront of my mind. Whilst my fundamental happiness may be intact, my day-to-day mood is less ‘happy’ or ‘positive’ and more ‘panicked’ and ‘exhausted’.

Enter #100HappyDays. I am doing this challenge to remind myself what a special career I have. I am doing it so I don’t lose sight of my priorities. I am doing it so that I can allow myself to focus, if only for a few moments a day, on myself instead of all the other people (big and small) in my life who I want to care for. My first two entries have involved TV and bacon which I would say is fairly representative of what makes me feel good. I wonder what the next 98 days will involve. I will be posting mainly on Instagram if you want to follow.